I’ve spent a long time trying to avoid facing the fact that, when all is said and done, I’m simply a disappointment. To everyone.
I’ve known for a very long time that I am a disappointment to my Dad and have been for quite some time. Since my teenage years, for certain and most pointedly at the age of 19 (I can’t go into the story right now, we never talked about it outright, but I do know that he was pretty angry).
My Mom was disappointed a great many times when I was growing up. I think she finally reached a point where she just no longer has any expectations beyond wanting me to outlive her so she doesn’t have to deal with planning a funeral for me.
I was certainly a disappointment to my now-ex-husbands. Very certainly the case for ex #2.
And I’ve been a monumental disappointment to The Girl. It kills me when she asks for help and there is nothing I can do. I know it’s different because my parents (well, my Dad anyway) have the means to help and just refuse – where I simply don’t always have the means. But what the Hell is wrong with me that I am at this point in my life and I can’t help make her life more bearable?
And then there is Mr. POSSLQ who has been witness to failure after failure in my life in Corporate America. Failure after failure for everything else I’ve tried to do. I am trying so desperately hard to get more clients so I can take some of the burdens off of him and every time I think I’ve FINALLY found something good, the House of Cards collapses all over again. I lay in bed and think about how much he loathes his job and that he only does it because the anchor around his neck (me) needs a place to live and he, for some reason I cannot fathom, feels compelled to help me out. I stay up all night and into the morning trying to exhaust myself so that I can get some sleep but when I get into bed my brain begins screaming at me about how royally screwed I am if something happens to Mr. POSSLQ. How I have no friends and my family won’t help me and that I’ll lose everything and I deserve to because I’m not good enough and never have been.
That I am my age and don’t own a home, don’t have my own car, can’t even pay my own stupid bills is embarrassing. That I am the most terrible housekeeper ever, have a shit-ton of issues that make EVERYTHING awful and awkward and to top it off, the brain weasels tell me that no one likes me anyhow makes me question my very existence. But, I guess I paint on a pretty good ‘happy-go-lucky’ smile. Yay me!
And when people find out I’m adopted, they ask if I’ve tried to find my birth family. And.. for a while, I did look. But I stopped when I realized that I couldn’t bear being a disappointment to even one more person.
I’m tired, y’all. A tired that all the sleep in the world can’t fix.
And I apologize. Sincerely. To everyone I’ve disappointed and continue to disappoint.
(I’ve turned comments off for this post because I’m not trying to get sympathy or have anyone tell me it’s not true. It is what it is. It’s time I own it).