Expectations & Disappointment = February

Rabbit, Rabbit! And Welcome To February!

February is traditionally a stressful month for me.  I love Groundhog’s Day (which also happens to be the birthday of both my late Gramma and Lawyer Greenjeans), Valentine’s Day has traditionally been a bit of a nightmare for me, (but I am a fan of Feb. 15th – Cheap Chocolate Day!), Trucker Tina’s birthday is later on in the month as is the (now deceased) Mr. Christopher’s birthday.

The past few months I have been wrestling with the concept of “letting go” and doing a great deal of self-analysis. This is partly brought about by the fact that I am realizing that I don’t have many friends who are not internet friends (and I think that internet friends are completely “real” friends, but different from people you have dinner with more than once every decade when you can manage to get together “in real life”) and I’ve lived where I do for over 5 years now and I have my coffee colleague I meet with once a month and my Wino Rhinos group (which is really simply 2 other people) and there is a possibility that one member of the Rhinos group is taking a job in another state.  I have a couple of other folks I know but don’t see on any sort of regular basis, due in part to them living places that are 45+ min. away and my not having a) my own car and b) not having a car I feel comfortable driving.

While I love what I do, the isolation does tend to get to me now and then. (Not that, quite frankly, co-workers have ever really worked out as “friends”… with one or two exceptions). And I fully admit that the issue is pretty much me and my…I don’t know… my having unrealistic ideas about what friendships are or should be, I guess.

And that’s been a theme in romantic/long-term relationships for me, as well. There are things I want and expect and they aren’t even really things I can articulate well, which can be an issue.  I have some criteria… my mental “list” of things I want/need/expect.  Which I think is pretty common.  But maybe not in the way that my list is pretty specific. And even knowing this, from an intellectual perspective, doesn’t change the fact that expectations, especially those that you cannot properly articulate, just end up creating disappointment.

Anyhow, I’m going out with the friend who may be leaving tomorrow and I am really trying to adjust my attitude because this is NOT all about me and I want her to be happy (I sincerely do) but I’ll miss the things that we do together (there are places we go that I simply don’t go with other people)  and I will miss catsitting her cats (who, in reality, I’ve seen more often than I’ve seen her in the last couple of years…work, schedules, etc. have really been a mess) and I’ll miss mentally putting my furniture in her condo (I tend to do that when I visit someone’s house. I start mentally placing my belongings and figuring out what I would do with the space).

And because this is an Insomniac Rambling, I will note that both February and March this year hold a Friday, the 13th.  Which I am ALSO not a big fan of…

Oh well… nose to the grindstone, one day at a time… we’ll see if the Groundhog sees a shadow and go from there.