Fall Back

Fall Back (Attempt #2)

I started a post the other day and then didn’t finish it and now it’s mostly irrelevant, so I am starting over.

First, I am still a little stunned that it is November already. That’s crazy. It feels like it was JUST March.

Time changes always have things a little wonky, though I do better in the Fall than I do in the Springtime. ‘Losing’ that hour seems to really make things weird for a while.  I think, though, that Crystal is most impacted as, of course, it impacts her mealtime.

I am behind on writing my NaNoWriMo novel and (obviously) am not getting here to post every day.

I am, however, starting to have some epiphanies about things that have had me ‘stuck’ for a while and am trying to figure out solutions. Easier said than done in many cases. And sometimes you know what the answer is and you just have to bring yourself around to being ready to dig in and do the work. I think that the thing that I struggle with most is finding the focus needed to really make any changes. But I realized that I need to get some things done because there are things I don’t want anyone else to be stuck with having to deal with (not planning on going anywhere, just being practical).

There’s also the reality that I think that I have been holding onto many things thinking that, ultimately, they would have a home. And now I’ve realized that they won’t.  And there are things that MAY end up coming into my life as a result of other people being gone (my Mom has a cedar chest that is technically ‘mine’ but has been in her house for decades. It’s something my grandmother’s father made. My grandmother gave it to me when I was a teenager and at some point, my mother claimed that it was hers and I very indignantly called my Gramma and made her tell my Mom that the cedar chest is MINE….in hindsight, that was probably a SUPER awkward conversation).  I am, in many ways, sad that there is no way that I will be able to someday move into the house my Mom currently lives in (even though it’s in Arizona… and there have been scorpions in the house…) There are many ways I think it would be a good place to be (built-in bookshelves… a large built-in desk in a room that currently serves as an office). But there’s a mortgage and the mortgage is not assumable and… and I am having a hard time accepting the fact that I am probably NEVER going to be a homeowner. But there are SO many ways that being able to just move into that house would make life easier… especially as I am an only child and there is pretty literally going to be no one to help me when the time comes. (There’s also a distinct possibility that my Mom will give in and move to a retirement community and the home that’s never been my home will not be my responsibility to clean out and sell to someone else at all).

And I realize that it probably seems like I am super death-obsessed in my thinking. Really, though, I tend to get into this mode in the fall and I think it has to do with the year winding down and thinking of ‘endings’ overall in that period where you are just contemplating wrapping things up but not QUITE to the ‘planning for the new year’ phase of things.  And I have been contemplating a lot more ‘what-if’ things lately, which is adding to the anxiety.

I should get back to work now but hope to have my fun project ready to post here soon. Carry on, y’all.