You can’t see them, but there are a bunch of posts that I started and never finished. I came and got something partially written and then something pulled me away or I felt that there was something more important that I should be doing or maybe I just figured that what I had to say that particular day wasn’t really important to anyone except me. More than once, something I wrote just ended up sounding gloomy and I didn’t think that there was a point to sharing that.
Times are…interesting. In the vein of the alleged Chinese curse “May you live in interesting times”. I have been thinking about what I want to do with my blogging – taking things in new directions, actually posting on a regular basis, switching up the types of posts that I am writing and looking at the future of what this blog could be. Once upon a time, my blog was actually pretty interesting but I fully admit that the point at which it was interesting was back before I lost my previous hosting arrangement.
I wonder, sometimes, if we ever really get over things. I mean, you can invoke ‘forgive and forget’ all you want, but I think that maybe there are things that you simply never get over. And the weirdest things can trigger that sort of memory.
Recently, my Mom got a new cat. Her previous cat had gone to the Rainbow Bridge after having been quite old and somewhat slow for a number of years. The new cat is 3 years old and, in behavior, is very much like a human toddler. Testing limits, smiling in the face of punishment and just being very much the juvenile that he is.
Mom emailed one night and closed with something akin to ‘It’s a good thing that he’s cute when he’s cuddly – I think that’s the only thing that’s kept me from taking him back to the shelter.” And *snap* went several things inside of me. Now, I fully admit that perhaps she was just frustrated at the time that she wrote it, but I was immediately offended on the behalf of my brofur. And, being adopted myself, the whole notion that you would just return someone when they were being inconvenient and non-compliant was simply appalling. And please, if you’re going to tell me that a cat is ‘just an animal’, please just move along. Add to this the fact that I was sent to boarding school when I was a teenager because I wasn’t exactly the easiest, most compliant teen in the world (I was also, for the record, nowhere near as “bad” as my parents would have told you I was. I was actually pretty much the Goody Two-Shoes of my group of friends if you set aside the skipping school because I got tired of being beaten up by bullies daily – but I wasn’t smoking, drinking and having sex like pretty much all of my friends…so, you know, it’s all about balance, right)? But I was absolutely inconvenient, a non-conformist and most probably not always the most loveable person to ever walk the Earth, especially to a stepdad who had already raised kids of his own and who had absolutely no patience for anything except complete blind following of his every command.
I fired off an email to Mom that MAY have contained the following sentence …’but you don’t love someone only when they’re compliant and convenient and conform to what you want.’
But… there was no dialogue to be had. No discussion of things. Indeed, not even so much a a brief acknowledgement of my upset. And I became six again and snapped into ‘smile and pretend nothing is wrong’ mode that I grew up showing to the world. I’ll say it (and own it), my family was a hot mess and yet from the outside looking in, you’d think that everything was groovy (yeah, I’m old, get over it). Most of my friends thought I had pretty cool parents. But things were not what they seemed and it was one of those ‘you don’t live my life, so you have no idea’ things. I mean, it wasn’t ALL bad, but my home life was definitely not a good thing and contrary to the belief of the grown folk involved, *I* wasn’t the problem (or at least, I wasn’t ALWAYS the problem but I was a good, convenient and largely defenseless scapegoat).
So, anyhow… between family stuff and work drama (don’t even get me started, that could be it’s own blog!) And just being busy and contemplating what direction I’d like things to be going, I’ve not been here (that you have been able to see) too much but hopefully the new plans will help me get here more often and have some actual good content to share.