I need to go to bed. I actually needed to go to bed hours ago, but there is a lot on my mind tonight. And it’s mostly about ending… and closing… and figuring out how you go on.
It’s never a positive when your Mom calls and the first thing she says is “are you sitting down?” Indeed, the call was not positive. My Uncle passed away on Tuesday. I stomped down my irritation at being told two days later and just burst into tears. I’m good at that and sometimes you just have to go with what you know. So, I’ve been an emotional wreck (yes, even worse than my normal mode of operation) pretty much all afternoon which, you might imagine, was not great for productivity.
I’ve written here, too, about a chapter of my life I’d been hoping to close and having been thwarted in that effort. I FINALLY got word that the issue is settled and I can close (slam!) the door on that chapter of my life.
I’ve been pondering the situation with my Mom and my Aunts. Both of my Aunts are now widows. My Mom never buried a husband (although there is one of her exes who I think we all would have been better off had that been the outcome). And as much as I love my Mom, I think that she just really cannot understand. I mean, yes, she did do all of the “stuff” that comes with a significant other passing for a very close friend of hers but it’s just not quite the same as losing your spouse of 30-40+ years and I feel she is, perhaps, not fully understanding that everyone moves through all of the processes that come with losing a spouse differently.
And, of course, all of this serves only to remind me that my Mom isn’t going to be around forever and that just makes me start crying all over again. My Dad and I don’t really communicate, so it’d be different for me if he passed away. It’d still be the feeling that someone who has been around your whole life is gone but there is a part of me that sortve feels like he checked out back when I was a kid and that I was always just an inconvenience. He has remarried and his wife has very talented and well-off children. You know, good marriages, good jobs, adorable children. Pretty much all of the things I failed at (not saying The Girl isn’t adorable, but you know how people are about little kids) and so it’s sortve easier to kick the loser kid (me) to the curb.
At any rate…. I need to get to bed. I think it helped to get this out of my head.
I did decide, though, to name a character in my NaNoWriMo novel after my Uncle, though. Silver linings, y’all. Silver linings.