I am starting to wonder if there is a reason for me to be here… Not in an existential crisis sort of way but more in a ‘why did I even go to that conference’ sort of way. I guess I learned something about how the organization works and all but I am questioning whether it was really a good use of anyone’s time. It was a lot of seemingly needless stress, from my perspective. Having to make last-minute travel plans, having to travel for 3+ hours each way, feeling like my even being there at all was just a hassle to everyone involved.
The whole experience made me feel like this just isn’t going to work. There is way too much chaos for my taste and it really feels like the left hand doesn’t know what the right hand is doing. I’m interested to see where it all ends up but it just feels very weird, at the moment. I mean, I know a lot of my being included was very last-minute, but it really felt like I didn’t matter at all. I’m not saying that I need to be the center of attention or that things need to revolve around me, but it would have been nice to not have had everyone I spoke to look at me like I had a horn growing out of my forehead. Ok, I get it, I don’t look like you believe that someone in the position I am in should look. Get over it and try to be welcoming.
The number of times I was almost in tears over the weekend because I felt like I wasn’t wanted and wasn’t respected was ridiculous. However, I will try to remain optimistic and just chalk it up to the fact that I just do not ‘people’ well.
Onwards and (hopefully) upwards….