You Can’t Go Back…

I may, at some point, finish the challenge, but tonight isn’t going to be when I manage to do it. *sigh

I am traveling. The Girl graduated High School and my happy azz sat on a Greyhound bus for 20+ hours to get to Arizona and then my Mom, Aunt and I drove up to where The Girl lives for the graduation.  Also in that town lives the Wasband, his mother, and….his girlfriend.  To say that I was somewhat less than thrilled at the prospect of interfacing with any of them would have been an understatement.  I am not at all jealous of the new Girlfriend… I mean, we’ve been divorced for years and I wasn’t on any sort of mission to snatch him back or anything. (Quite happy with Mr.POSSLQ, truth be told) but I knew that all sorts of weirdness could potentially ensue.  In the end, everyone was civil and there were no issues. So, I have likely seen the Wasband for the last time (unless, at some point, The Girl gets married or something. I mean, I ASSUME he’d be there for that but you never know).

I’ve been here since Tuesday. As I write this, it’s late Saturday night heading into Sunday.  I feel like I’ve been here for a VERY long time already and find myself becoming more and more depressed. I know the Little Lair I call home isn’t much, but it’s home and even with all of it’s flaws, I at least feel like I “belong” there.  I don’t feel that here.  And I never felt it on The Frozen Tundra.  I’ve had a couple of nightmares about things happening and being in a position where I have to stay here and I’ve woken up in tears twice. I think this is difficult for me because, while I don’t have much of a social life, I feel really isolated here and while I love my Mom, she’s just really, really negative.  She spends HOURS complaining and I start to wonder if that’s what I sound like.  I hope it’s not.

Anyhow, The Girl has graduated from High School and can now move on to whatever is next.  I think the big lesson for me thusfar this trip is that there is no “home”, other than the one I share with Mr.POSSLQ to go back to… I am beginning to think that even a week is too long to stay with someone and I don’t know that I would plan this long of a trip again. This is the second year in a row and I…I find that I am not at all looking forward to traveling back here.

I drove up to where The Girl lives.  I like my Mom’s car. It’s got about 55,000 miles on it and, while it is by no means perfect, at least it WORKS.  She says this is the last car she ever intends to have.  If anything happens to her, the car will be mine.  I honestly think that, though that’s a lovely thought, it’ll be too little, too late.  We need a new(er) car NOW.  And until I build my business some more, the “extra” income for a car note just isn’t there.  Things were supposed to happen, business-wise, at the beginning of the year. Then “Q1″… well, here it is almost into the last month of Q2 and it still hasn’t come to fruition and I am having to totally rethink my plans.

Hoping this next week things will be more “normal” and I can feel more myself again.  I miss home. I miss Mr.POSSLQ. I miss my critters.  And this, like Q1&2 business-wise, was just not what I’d planned. Hoping very hard that I CAN go back “home” to The Little Lair and those who dwell within.